letter sent by post

After a light night of sleep (coming home from CA to several leaks in the bathroom ceiling being the reason for the short night of sleep), I arrived at work after being away for just over a week. I sorted through the pile of messages left on my desk. My colleague sitting in the desk next to me handed me an envelope which had been placed on his desk instead. The handwriting looked vaguely familiar, but it was the address that gave it away. It was a handwritten letter from Abdul.

What in the world could my ex-bf be writing me about? Well, it ended up being two pages filled front to back with some realizations that he has come to recently. He expressed his sense of regret for not realizing things earlier and for ultimately losing me. He says that he doesn't blame me for leaving him. He also stated that he met someone after me, and she left him after he treated her the same way he treated me.

I wasn't sure what to make of the letter, and I still don't. I guess I feel a little better that he recognizes that he made some mistakes. It makes me feel a little less guilty for ending things with a man whom I knew was really into me. Oh, well. It's all water under the bridge for me now.

No, I'm not looking back on this one either.

my niece loves to eat

Too cute! And listen to what Anabel is saying at the end.

a reason to stay

I'm here in California right now. After seeing my sister and nieces in Magalia, I flew down to spend some time with friends in So. Cal. It's been great seeing friends and the sunshine. It's cloudy here today, but it's not 20 degrees like it is in NYC.

As 2009 comes to a close I've been thinking a lot about 2010. It will be yet another year of transition for me, and I can't help but wonder when it's going to end. I find myself wishing I had a reason to stay...somewhere, anywhere...but without a reason I feel like I'll be wandering forever.

My reason for leaving CA was to help with a church plant. My reason for leaving NJ was because...well...it's NJ (sorry!). My reason for leaving Harlem was because I got kicked out. Well, that, and I did start an awesome CPE residency program in Brooklyn. In general I do feel happy with where my life is right now. I am loving what I do, and that's important for sure. But I struggle with a lack of church/community. I've been looking for a church home in Brooklyn, and I may end up staying with the Covenant church close to home (and the only Covenant church in Brooklyn). It's not really the church community I'm looking for, but maybe it will be okay for now.

I just want a reason to stay...

Things with Kirk...well, I've said my final goodbye to him, and it's for real, completely and totally. No turning back. As much as I would have liked to continue to be there for him particularly since his mother's death in July, it just wasn't healthy for me. It made no sense anymore.

When August comes to an end, so will the residency. By the end of August I will also need to vacate my apartment since it's an apartment owned by the hospital. I have no idea where I'll end up in September.

My first choice is still NYC. I would like to stay in New York. I love NYC. But unless I am able to find a job in New York, I have no reason to stay. I mean, practically speaking, it would be impossible for me to stay in NYC unless I find a job there. I have no "home" to go to after residency ends. My home will have to be wherever I can find a job.

As it turns out, it seems there are more chaplaincy positions open in CA than NYC. At least that's what a Google search turns up. I'm not saying it will be more likely that I'll end up in CA, but it certainly seems like I have to keep that option open.

I suppose I should look at it as a positive thing. I'm not tied to one place so I have more flexibility in my job search. But it doesn't feel quite so positive right now.

Instead of dwelling on the fact that I have no reason to stay and that life is so unknown, I realize there are things that I can do. I need to take steps in becoming endorsed/licensed by a denomination, whether it's the Covenant or not. After that I will need to work on becoming certified as a chaplain. Then...then I can focus on looking for work and figuring out the next steps.

These last several months as a chaplain resident have been great. Now it's time to get serious about what needs to happen next. The thought of uprooting again, even if it's to someplace I know...I don't know...maybe a fresh start will be good for me. Just as long as I eventually find a reason to stay...somewhere, anywhere. I want to find it soon.

dude...

Wow, I can't believe it's been two months since I've written in here. Has FB really taken over my life?

I guess so.

clash, conflict, crap!

Well, I'm all moved in and continuing to settle into my new apartment. Living alone this time around feels so much better than it did the first time. At times I expect someone to walk through the door any minute, and I have to remind myself...no one will! After all that I've been through with my roommate situations, it's really, really nice.

The real content of this blog entry has to do with the new group of residents and how I seem to clash with one of my colleagues in particular. Today I became so angry at him. Someone said I used my stern "teacher" voice. Another colleague said she thought I was going to hit him. Hit him?? I wouldn't do that, but basically it tells you how pissed off I was at him.

I realize one of the big reasons why he irritates me so much is that I experience him as being fake. He's closed off during our group sessions because he seems to have issues with authority. I think he's afraid of being judged by authority figures and therefore can't be himself in the group. This morning when he gave his report, I felt he was talking very slowly and deliberately and even highlighted how he believe he exerted his pastoral authority in a way that felt weird. I feel like he's trying to prove something.

This afternoon before we headed over to the pastoral care advisory committee to introduce ourselves, he told us to "impress them." I told him it would be best for us to just be ourselves, that being ourselves would be impressive enough. He kept stating our need to impress them, and so I inquired what he meant. Maybe I pushed him a bit on it. He said he wanted them to see us favorably, not like the bad group that was here before. That's when I lost it. I was angry that he was passing judgment on the last group by calling them "bad." WTH?

I value authenticity and being your own self, not what someone tells you or expects you to be. I believe it comes out of my experience growing up as a Korean American. I rebelled against the notion that I had to be a certain way; I suppose I resented it. Perhaps that's why I react so strongly to someone who can't be themselves and has to put on a show. I realize there is probably a lot of fear behind his way of being, and I do want to be sympathetic. Right now though, I feel pissed off. UGH.

It's going to be a rough year...

in between

I know...I haven't been blogging. Maybe FaceBook is just taking over my life. Or maybe I really have nothing to write about. No, I do...

These days I've been feeling "in between."

I am in between two apartments. I had wanted to be moved into my new place by now, but the last resident is needing more time to move out. And then I have to wait for them to paint and clean the apartment. I may be here for another week, but I will need to okay it will my roommate first.

I am in between two groups. The new group of chaplain residents started on Monday. The old group finished on Thursday. I was working through my goodbyes with the old group and my hellos with the new group at the same time. I miss the old group. The new group? Well, there have been conflicts already, and one resident in particular really, really irks me. Surprisingly the one resident I knew from before (he graduated from Union with me) and I have become allies. I say surprisingly because I wasn't sure how I felt about having him in the group. He's an intelligent and talented guy, but I always thought he talked a lot about himself at Union. LOL. It turns out he's pretty cool, and we have a lot in common.

I am still in between churches. I need to figure out what to do. I find myself going back to Metro Hope in Harlem, but I really would like to find a new church community in Brooklyn.

Another "in between" at work is my floor assignment. I am no longer assigned to the oncology unit and the med/surg unit I've had since May. I am now assigned to adult psych, a different med/surg unit, and part of the ICU. I had requested psych and the ICU, and I am happy that my supervisor honored my request. Although I have the assignments I want, I still miss my old floor assignments, and I will need to get used to how things work on my new floors.

As far as my dating life...I would say I'm in between there too. I am not on the online dating site anymore. It was a waste of time. But, believe it or not, I have met people in real life that gives me hope that there may be decent single men left in this world.

Hopefully I will not be in between for too long. I would really like to be somewhere and not just in limbo.

moving poetry

I feel really privileged to know some really cool and amazing artists.

I just got a copy of DeLana's book How God Ends Us. If you like moving and powerful poetry, GET IT. Get it NOW!

Speaking of artists, this musician came to share some of his musical talents with us today at church during our special arts Sunday. He happens to be someone I met through Kirk. And Abdul knows him as well. Crazy...