Kirk's mom passed this morning. He was there overnight and heard her stop breathing.

Please pray for the family. I got a chance to visit at the hospital on Friday. While I was there I met his mom and also saw how attentive the kids were with their mother. It was very sweet. She raised them well.

Now they begin the journey of life without her, and life will never be the same.

Please pray for Kirk and his family. Chemo didn't work; surgery is not an option. The doctors are giving his mom less than two months to live. She is calm and brave, and I believe it's because she knows where she will be going. It's going to be harder for the family she is leaving behind. It certainly doesn't seem fair, particularly when there are many more years you would like to spend with your mom.

Several of my friends have lost their mothers to cancer. I am thinking of you today too.

moving on out

Tomorrow I move out of the apartment from hell. (That is, if the movers really do show up...) Goodbye roaches, goodbye mouse, goodbye filth, goodbye cigarette and pot smoke, goodbye random and unannounced overnight guests, goodbye loud upstairs neighbor (the music and the sex), goodbye heat-that-turns-on-for-no-reason, goodbye inconsiderate roommate and her drug-dealing boyfriend. I have had enough!

Yesterday I asked the roommate how long her daughter was going to be staying. Mind you, I was told she had a daughter. I was also told she would visit maybe every other weekend. "Oh. She stays with me all summer." Seriously? If I had decided to stick it out in the apartment until September, when would I have been told this? Isn't this something you should tell someone before they move in?? This would mean her daughter would probably stay in her tiny closet of a room and she (and her boyfriend) would be staying in the living room. As if I needed another reason to leave...

Goodbye, Harlem. I am sad to leave you with this bad taste in my mouth. I will try to remember all the good things about living in West Harlem.

Brooklyn, I look forward to calling you home. I am told this is where the cute boys are. I guess we shall see.

the end.

My relationship with Abdul ended on Tuesday. I had been picking little fights with him the week before. Thursday was because he didn't bring food like he had said he would when I was on-call. Friday was because he ate the salad that Jimmy Fallon gave him all by himself. (If you don't know the story, well, ask me about it and I will see if I feel like telling it.) I decided to spend the weekend in Cherry Hill with Susan and Jenny. It was a mini CA reunion. I needed to get away.

When I returned on Monday I was on-call at the hospital. Abdul and I talked briefly, mostly just to catch up about the weekend, not to really talk. He came by on Tuesday afternoon to talk. Our conversation was fairly brief.

Breaking up is hard, and I don't like it. I feel badly about the fact that I wasn't able to fully reciprocate with Abdul. In a sense Abdul made the break-up easier, because he stated he didn't want to be with me if I didn't feel the same way about him. I was sad when it happened. I cried.

After he left, I got an email about a bicycle I had inquired about on craigslist. I went to see the bike which happened to be just around the corner from where I was. It felt like fate. I bought the bike. I felt better. Then I went to see some female friends to celebrate someone's birthday. I felt okay. In fact, I felt okay all week.

Today, however, kinda sucked. I was packing all morning and in need of moral support. I realize I miss being in a relationship. I miss having someone around and having someone I can count on. *sigh*

I am thinking about resurrecting my dating blog. If you don't know about it, it's probably because you're not supposed to know about it. When does this all end, anyway?

killing time...

Okay, so I'm leaving work now. I'm heading to check out a storage facility a couple of miles from here on Flatbush Avenue. At 8 p.m. I'm supposed to go and see about a vintage bicycle in Brooklyn Heights. I will need to find a way to kill time inbetween then. Obviously stopping by to see how Kirk is doing is not an option, even if he does live in Brooklyn Heights.

What to do, what to do...

one step forward...

Today is a new day. I have today off because of the Saturday duty that I took at the last minute. I didn't really sleep in which is okay. I'll need to do some laundry in a bit.

I realize over the past few days that I have been, in a sense, grieving all over again. No, it's not a death I have been re-grieving, but a loss nonetheless. A part of me is disappointed in myself that I could let it get to me like this, and another part of me realizes that I needed to let myself be frustrated, sad, and mad all over again.

Today is a new day. I had bought Abdul and I tickets to Toast of the Town this evening. I have been eagerly waiting for this event for the last month.

I don't know that I can see beyond a day or two at this point. I still have some things I need to think about. But for now, it's one step forward...and we'll see where the road leads...

dark and moody

I know. It's been a good two weeks since I've blogged. I've also been listening to Tori Amos incessantly over the past three days or so. I guess I've been feeling a little dark and moody...

The truth is, after finding out Kirk's mom has cancer, I've been feeling confused and conflicted. I don't blame Kirk for reaching out to me for emotional support, but how could my feelings not resurface? And what is all that supposed to mean?

Anyway, I have talked with Abdul about my conflicted feelings. and I have talked with Kirk. Now I'm left feeling angry and sad all over again.

I told Kirk I realize now that it wasn't the lack of commitment that bothered me. It was the fact that I didn't feel seen or heard by him. It was like I was invisible to him sometimes.

He did say that with the girl he's currently been seeing, he's also feeling the same kind of doubt. Maybe it's supposed to make me feel better that it isn't me, but the whole thing still makes me mad. I told Kirk I want to hit him on the head with a wiffle bat.

I seem to have a hard time letting this go, but I also know it's not just about Kirk. I see how this kind of thing shows up in my work too. I have been finding what is most frustrating in chaplaincy is not the emotions and the grief. What is most frustrating is when I am perceived to not be what the person wants/needs. "Who are you?! We need the Catholic priest!!" Which is fine except when I can't get them the Catholic priest in the middle of the night and I try to explain that I can bless their stillborn baby, it seems to fall on deaf ears. In the end they did thank me, and perhaps my presence was appreciated. Yet I felt drained and a bit frustrated. I did what I could, or what they would allow me to do, and I couldn't meet their needs (nor could I even try) because of their perceived need for a Catholic priest. *sigh*

All the frustration seems so unnecessary...